The Ichigo Files
by could107
Summary: Ichigo is working for me in a blackmailing gig. It's over. R&R and enjoy
1. The contract

Could107: was bored and got this idea Tally Mai-chan

Disclaimer: don't own bleach

"Ugh what happened to me!"

Ichigo scratched his head waking up in the SS.

**Okay Ichgio your first target is Renji**

Ichigo jumped ten feet into the air.

"Who the hell are you?!"

**It's me could107 but call me Alastor**

"How the hell are you in my head!!"

**Let's just bring out the flashback.**

(At a bar)

Ichigo was sitting at a table with Ukitake.

"Okay Ichigo here are your mission speks."

He flipped through the papers then saw the pay.

_Wow look at all those zeros._

"Ichigo nodded at his hollow's words."

"Okay I'm in."

"Alright you meet him here"

He got up and left.

About five minutes later a man in a black cloak and hood walked in and sat across from him

"Are you could107"

"Yes call me Alastor oh and goodnight"

I pulled out knockout gas and sprayed him with it.

"Okay time to get to work"

(Flashback over)

"What the **** man!"

**Just get to work**

"NO way man"

Ichigo started to run back but was then hit with 5 thousand volts of electricity

"What the hell was that?"

**Microchip. Oh I'm rolling on the ground laughing now.**

"What microchip?"

(Flashback number two)

"Wake up!"

I threw a bucket of water on him then he was electro shocked from the chip

He dragged himself back into the both.

"Aah what the hell"

"Okay the chip is installed into your brain, now sign this contract"

"Wait, wait, wait, chip, contract what are you talking about?"

"I knocked you out and installed a microchip into your head. Now if you don't sign the contract the chip will kill you"

"What the **** man!!!"

I pulled out a controller and he got shocked by another 5000 volts.

"Fine I'll sign it!"

He took the pen and signed his name on the slip.

"Thank s. Now just so you know I lied about the electro shock thing. It won't kill I'll just hurt"

"What the-

"-See ya"

I shun poed out of there to my secret hideaway, The Nara forest from Naruto.

"Let the fun begin"


	2. Renji,Byakuya,and Sajin

**Now get to work Ichigo**

"Fine"

Ichigo walked the streets then saw Renji. He ducked behind a cart and followed him.

**What happened, I can't see him.**

"He went in a building" Ichigo said

**Well go after him!**

"Alright alright"

Ichigo followed after him staying five feet away.

Renji stopped by a door looked left then right and walked in.

Ichigo walked to the door and looked through the key hole.

"Oh my god!" Ichigo yelled in his head.

**I know! Just bear with it.**

Renji had stripped down to just a loincloth and was singing Lion King Songs with Zabimaru.

"Oh I just can't wait to be king!"

**Okay walk away before you go any crazier.**

Ichigo stumbled away dazed and stopped in front of a door.

**Hey is that Byakuya?**

"Yeah I think let me check"

The door was slightly ajar and Ichigo peered in side.

Byakuya was playing Guitar Hero in a tutu singing out loud.

"I'm a Barbie girl, In a Barbie world!"

"Hurk!" Ichigo said clutching his mouth.

He shun poed away and hurled in a bush.

_Oh my god your friends are gay! Hichigo yelled_

**Man, this is, gold!**

"No way man!" Ichigo "I'm not doing this anymore"

**Sorry contract says you have to**

"What contract?"

**We've been over this and we are not doing another flashback.**

"_Hey look" Hichigo_

Ichigo turned to see Sajin on all fours barking madly.

In the tree he was barking at was Yourichi in cat form hissing at him.

**Well what do ya know? Alright Ichigo that's it for today. I've got some friends come over for some strip poker.**

"_Who?"_

**Grimjoww, Ulquiorra, Yourichi, Hailbel, and Stark. Gonna be a good night. See ya tomorrow Ichigo.**

Ichigo was busy shaking his head trying to erase what he'd seen.

* * *

Alastor: Remember folks read and review

Ichigo: Don't do it! He'll bring more suffering to me!

Ichigo: (Twitch and shake as electricity course through his body)

Alastor: Please ignore the idiot, just read and review.


	3. Orhime, Rangiku, Yourichi, Rukia

Me: IT's that time again!

Ichigo: Oh god what do I have to do now?

Me: Oh nothing much

Ichigo: Whys that sound bad?

Me: Enough chit chat let's get to work.

Ichigo got up and walked down the street depressed.

"Hey Kurosaki-kun!" Orihime shouted.

"Oh hey Orihime" Ichigo said

"Is there anything wrong?" she asked.

"No no" _Except for the psychopath I'm working for_

**Hey I heard that!**

Ichigo jumped in the air then scowled.

What the hell!

**Forget it. That Orihime girl is your next target.**

Forget it. I'm not spying on Orihime.

**Just do it or you get the shock treatment.**

Before Ichigo said anything more he noticed the look Orihime was giving him.

"Kurosaki-kun are you sure your alright?"

"Yeah. I got go somewhere so I'll see you later."

Ichigo jumped and shun poed onto a roof.

**Okay here's your chance follow her!**

"No way bzzzzzzt!!!" Ichigo jerked and twitched as he was shocked again. "Alright, alright I'll go!"

Ichigo jumped down and hit the ground lightly following behind her. When she walked into her apartment Ichigo climbed the side of the walls.

"This is wrong" he said.

**Get over it**

Ichigo heard giggling and looked into the room through a window. His head reared back face a deep red as he saw the room.

Rangiku, Rukia, Orihime, and Yourichi were all playing strip poker and Rukia was winning. Rangiku was naked, Yourichi was half naked and Orihime was a quarter naked.

**Jackpot!**

"Wait whose that?" Ichgio thought

**Grimmjow who wants to know.**

"How'd you get here?"

**Alastor's let me stay here while we wait to go drinking.**

"Whatever" Ichigo said.

He turned his head to look again and his head reared back again his nose bleeding.

Orihime and Yourichi were both naked now and Rangiku was tickling Orihime. Ichigo's grip loosened and he fell to the ground with a thud.

**What happened? Why's Grimmjow knocked out? Hello? Dammit Ichigos knocked out too.**

Me: Well that's it for this chapter. Ichigo and friends are still knocked out. When they wake up it's operation: shiro clan.


	4. Momo, Unahona, Toshiro, Soi Fon, Urahara

Me: Hey we're back!

Ichigo: Why did you read the story?

Me: Because they love your adventures, Now let's get out there.

**Okay Ichigo It's time to investigate Toshiro.**

"Why?"

**I've been wondering this for the longest why's his hair white?**

"I don't know maybe he was born that way" Ichigo said.

**I don't think so. Hey there he is trail him!**

Ichigo followed Toshiro into a dark back alley. He looked around nervously and put money into a dumpster and took out a bag. Toshiro opened it and inhaled deeply.

"Is that…crack!?" Ichigo said

**Holy crap he does crack!**

"I will look at these people the same way again" Ichigo said shuddering.

**Wait a minute someone else is going in there.**

Ichigo looked down to see Soi Fon walking in. Urahara walked out and they talked for a minute then Soi Fon handed over some pictures and Urahara paid her.

**What on those pictures? Zoom! Zoom!**

The camera zoomed in and revealed sexy pictures of Soi Fon and Yourichi.

"Whoa!" Ichigo said covering his eyes.

**What are you gay?**

I'm not gay but people shouldn't look at that stuff.

**It's called porn. Go talk to Kon when you leave tonight **

"What?"

**Back to business. Hey where's Momo going in such a hurry?**

She was running down the streets toward squad 4

"Yeah yeah I know the drill follow her" Ichigo said running after her.

**Good dog**

I'm not your dog!

**Hey look she's meeting captain Unahona**

Momo hugged the captain then they kissed passionately before going inside the squad 4 barracks. Ichigo walked away feeling dizzy.

**Unahona and Momo who'd thought**

"Can I go home?" Ichigo pleaded.

**Nope. One more person then you can go.**

Ichigo walked the streets until he was on the outskirts of the SS. He looked up and saw Chad in a clearing. Ichigo ducked down as Chad checked to see if anyone was there. He nodded and music from out of nowhere started playing.

"We're no strangers to love!  
You know the rules and so do I  
Every time I gotta give it up!  
I start to think it should be any other time!  
IIIIIIII I'm just tellin you how feelin! Sometimes I just give another try!  
Never gonna give it up! Never gonna make you cry!  
Never give gonna give it up and dessert you!"

Ichigo watched Chad sing this song and was impressed.

**Wow didn't know he could sing like that**

Me neither.

**Okay that's a good day's work. Goodnight Ichigo **

See ya.

Me: That's chapter 4. Now unless you ask I'm not going to do any sex jokes until chapter 6. Need a break from that stuff.

Ichigo:……

Me: Don't mind him. He got the _talk_ from Kon today so he's still processing. It was the talk on what good porn was and what was bad. Isshin took care of the other talk. Read and Review!


	5. Shunsui, Yumichikia, Ikkaku, Hanataro,

**What the heck- ME**

What the heck-Ichigo

_What the heck-Hichigo_

Me: It's that time again!

Ichigo: God please kill me

Me: Oh don't be that way Ichigo

Ichigo: Oh fine

Me: Hey wanna play Bleach Shattered Blade?

Ichigo: I call Ulquiorra.

Me: Fine I'll just thrash you with Aturo.

Ichigo: You're on!

**Hey Ichigo**

"What?" Ichigo asked.

**I haven't shocked you in a while**

"Wait is that a bad thing?" Ichigo asked "TZZZZZTTZZZZT!!!!"

**Okay now that that's over let's get down to business**

"So who's our victim" Ichigo said depressed.

**Let's see. Nope, Done them, Nope, Nadda, Hello.** **Okay we're going to go deal with Shunsui**

"Fine" Ichigo said.

Ichigo ran toward squad 8 from on top of the rooftops. He hang from the roof so his head could see through the window. The room was full of posters of the Jonas brothers.

"This must be Nanao's room" Ichigo said.

**I'm not so sure. Ichigo look.**

There was a sign that said property of Shunsui Kyoraku.

"Creepy **Creepy" **they said together.

**Okay let's go**

Ichigo dropped down onto the street and noticed Ikkaku in a back alley

**Look is he shaving?**

_Yep he's shaving his head. So he's not bald._

**Hey long time no see Hichi**

Wait look. He's putting the hair in a bag and leaving.

_Is that Yumichika?_

**Yep he's the bald one.**

He takes Ikkaku's hair and makes wigs.

_Strange_

**Mm Hm**

Ichigo walked the streets of the SS and wound up near squad four. Ichigo looked up to see Hanataro and a bunch of girls. Hanataro was singing to the girls and they all cheered for him.

"I like big butts and I cannot lie  
You otha brothas cana deny  
And when a girl walks in with an idby waist and  
a round thing in her face you get sprung!"

Who thought Hana was this good.

_Yeah and the girls are going wild for him_

**Okay folks let's pack it in. **

Alright tomorrow then.

Me: Okay people I'm planning on ending this story next chapter. Reason? I am running out of ideas for this story. If you want more give ideas in your reviews.

Ichigo: Yeah whatever.

Me: Don't mind him he's just mad because I keep killing him with Aturo.

Ichigo: Shut up!

Me: Remember Read and Review.


	6. Gin, Aizen, and, Tousen

Me: Hey Ichigo great news!

Ichigo: What?

Me: You're mission's almost over.

(Ichigo yells loudly and dances. He then falls to the ground because of lighting shock.

Me: Hey settle down sport. This is the hardest part of the mission. Our targets are Gin Tousen and Aizen! Good luck!

"Thank god this is almost over" Ichigo said.

**First up Tousen.**

Ichigo saw Tousen in the corner of his eye and hid oddly behind a toy cart. He walked to a dance studio and closed the door behind him.

"Okay girls let's begin" Tousen said. Tousen watched as several of the women in the soul society began ballet routine.

_Wait how can he direct ballet if he's blind._

Unless

**He's not really blind!**

_What the heck!_

Why's he pretending to be blind?

**It's the chicks man. Chicks dig a guy with disabilities. (And any women who watch or read these videos it is a comment only. I do not really believe that so please no negative reviews about that)**

"Hey look it's Gin"

Gin ran into a back alley looking around nervously.

"Oh god I hope he's not on crack like Toshiro"

Gin looked around again then whispered "Bankai" He disappeared in a cloud of smoke and became a guy with a green vest a headband over his eye and a orange book in his hand. He jumped and disappeared from sight.

**Holy crap Gin Ichimaru's Kakashi Hatake!! The Naruto fans will flip!**

"What?"

**It's nothing. *Must go to wikepedia***

Ichigo walked out of the alley to see Aizen walking with a smug look on his face.

Ichgio ran after him and followed him into an old abandoned building. "Shatter Kyoika Suigestu" The image of Aizen disappeared to reveal Hanataro Yamada.

OH!

**OH!**

_OH!_

_Hanataro's been Aizen all this time!_

**It makes sense. I mean you've never seen them in the same scene together but still! Hey what happened to Ichigo?**

Hichigo formed next to Ichigo and kicked his body.

_He fainted_

**That's just perfect. Well better wrap this up.**

Me: Well people thanks for sticking with the story for this long. To those who favorite, review or read it thanks!

Ichigo:………

Me: He's still out of it. Oh yeah Tally Mai-chan. If your reading this tell me if it lives up to the Neji files.

P.S. There is no promise of a sequel. If you would like one put ideas in your reviews and I might do a sequel. Till then see ya later!


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